Navigating the Holidays with Infertility

Bryant Liggett • November 22, 2023

The holiday season is typically a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. But for those of us navigating the ever changing landscape of infertility, it can also be a season of heightened emotions, stress, and sadness. The family gatherings, unsolicited questions, and baby-centric festivities can feel overwhelming and just - too much .

I’ll be honest - before infertility, the holidays were my favorite time of year. But now, knowing we’re approaching another Thanksgiving and Christmas without a baby to be thankful for or a pregnancy announcement to share, it’s another a holiday filled with anxiety and sadness.

My personal goal this year has been to redefine joy while on this rollercoaster. I’ve been journaling in preparation, and through that, I’ve created some personal strategies to help me cope and find moments of joy and peace. I thought I’d share that list with you today.

So, if you’re anything like me, I hope you know you're not alone, and that I’m here for you every step of the way. 🤍

Prioritize Self-Care:

  • Put yourself first. Prioritize self-care and mental well-being. It's okay to say no to events or activities that you feel might be emotionally draining, or put you in situations with people who may trigger negative feelings. Are you committing to a family dinner that you know will be riddled with people who insist on giving you unsolicited advice? Not today, Satan.

  • Create a self-care routine that includes activities you love, whether it's reading, taking long walks, committing to your skincare routine (🙋‍♀️), meditating, or enjoying a warm bath. Know that as I sit here writing this blog post, I’m committing to “skin-caring” via “24K Pure Gold Anti-Aging Collagen” under eye masks that probably do nothing, but the act of even dong this small act of kindness to my severely dehydrated and puffy eyeballs has admittedly made me feel better.

Set Boundaries:

  • Oof. This is a big one. Be prepared to set boundaries with family and friends. Politely but firmly let them know - even before a certain get together or event - that certain topics are off-limits for discussion. You have the right to share your story if and when you want to.

  • Try saying something like this: "I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not discuss our family planning right now. Let's talk about something else."

Plan Your Responses:

  • In the wise words of my fave girls Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: no is a full sentence . Period end of story. You can watch that clip here.

  • But if you’re in a situation where that isn’t good enough (go away Great Aunt Karen), anticipate and plan your responses to common questions or comments. Having a few prepared answers can help you feel more in control.

  • For instance, if someone asks about your plans for starting a family, you can respond with, "I appreciate your interest, but I don’t want to talk about family planning today."

Lean on Support:

  • Reach out to your support network, whether it's friends who understand your journey, your TFR girlies, attend Wednesday Support Group or Mental Health Monday , or book a 1:1 session with your therapist.

  • Sharing your feelings and experiences with others who can empathize can be immensely comforting. It took me three full years of infertility before I realized how important it was to find my people (love you girls, you know who you are!).

Create New Traditions:

  • Consider starting new holiday traditions that are meaningful to you and your partner. One little thing my husband Sam and I did, was start a holiday day-trip tradition. Now that includes a full day of holiday shopping, dining, and enjoying Christmas everything in 30A. This little trip helps me shift the focus away from baby-centric celebrations to looking forward to this little day trip with my husband every year.

  • And remember: whether it's volunteering, taking a special trip, or engaging in a hobby, find activities that bring you joy during the season.

Practice Mindfulness:

  • I’m not going to lie - meditation is new to me. My typical daily pace shifts from a marathon to a sprint, so I find it hard to find time to relax. But I’ve been actively working to change that. And sure enough, just like Dr Erin said it would, it’s kind of changed my life. Mindfulness and meditation techniques have helped me learn to stay present and reduce my holiday anxieties. Taking a few minutes each day to center yourself can make a big difference. For me, that time to myself has manifested in a sunrise walk every morning, and I love it.

  • There are many mindfulness apps and guided meditations available to assist you in your practice. I love Headspace!

Seek Professional Support:

  • We 👏 Believe 👏 In 👏 Mental 👏 Health. Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in infertility-related issues (we’ve got two awesome ones - who both take 1:1 patients!). 😉

  • Everyone’s journey is unique and every thought is valid. Professional support can provide valuable tools and coping strategies tailored to your specific needs.

8. Remember Your Strength:

  • Infertility warriors are a different breed of human. Even though it doesn’t define your worth or identity, it does change you. Remind yourself of your resilience and the strength you've shown throughout your journey.

  • Give yourself permission to celebrate your accomplishments and milestones, no matter how small they may seem.

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve:

  • Grief tends to flow in and out like tidal waves during the holidays. It's okay to grieve. Allow yourself to feel the ugly feelings, whether it's sadness, frustration, anger, resentment, or any combination of high and low. Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

  • Tonkin’s definition of grief is one that really helps me acknowledge how how big of a role it plays in my day to day life. I’ve even shared this image with family and friends who want to have a better understanding of what this journey feels like to me. And when I do, I remind them that grief is a natural part of the infertility journey, and acknowledging it is an essential step in my healing journey.

Look to the Future with Hope:

  • The future is unwritten. As hard as it is to keep your head up, try to remember that. Keep the flame of hope alive in whatever way that manifests for you. As cliche as it sounds, try to remember that this is just a small chapter in your very long and beautiful book of life.

Remember: you don’t have to ride this holiday season alone. We’re here to help you navigate this season with grace and to help you find moments of joy amidst the pain. You are stronger than you know, and there is hope on the horizon.

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Sometimes fertility clinics will recommend that you follow a diet that is intended to reduce inflammation in the body, but unless they give you specifics you can go down a rabbit hole trying to decide which one will produce the desired result but also suit your needs.  If your doctor recommends you try this approach, ask a few more questions to understand their wishes.  Be sure to understand the intended goals and desired effect, which leads to improved decision-making and an increased chance of sticking to the plan.   You might only have 30 or so days to prepare for the next cycle or procedure, so rapid intervention might be the goal.  You might have three months and a doctor who wants you to focus on getting five to eight servings of fresh fruit and vegetables each day.  To achieve the desired outcome you should aim to clarify as much detail as you can and make a master list of goals.   If a certain amount of weight loss is desired, make a note of it. Find other ways to monitor a reduction of inflammatory symptoms such as changes in your physical body like joint pain, skin rash or headaches.  Fill out a toxicity or inflammation questionnaire before you begin and keep your store.  Take the test again after each month of dietary changes and track your progress.  Here’s a quick exploration of the most common diets for reducing inflammation.  

Which Type of Anti-Inflammatory Diet is Right for You?

By Dr. Erin Attaway • January 8, 2024
Sometimes fertility clinics will recommend that you follow a diet that is intended to reduce inflammation in the body, but unless they give you specifics you can go down a rabbit hole trying to decide which one will produce the desired result but also suit your needs.  If your doctor recommends you try this approach, ask a few more questions to understand their wishes.  Be sure to understand the intended goals and desired effect, which leads to improved decision-making and an increased chance of sticking to the plan.   You might only have 30 or so days to prepare for the next cycle or procedure, so rapid intervention might be the goal.  You might have three months and a doctor who wants you to focus on getting five to eight servings of fresh fruit and vegetables each day.  To achieve the desired outcome you should aim to clarify as much detail as you can and make a master list of goals.   If a certain amount of weight loss is desired, make a note of it. Find other ways to monitor a reduction of inflammatory symptoms such as changes in your physical body like joint pain, skin rash or headaches.  Fill out a toxicity or inflammation questionnaire before you begin and keep your store.  Take the test again after each month of dietary changes and track your progress.  Here’s a quick exploration of the most common diets for reducing inflammation.  
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